So, Your Football Team Is Terrible

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By Ross Lucksinger
Posted Oct 17, 2012
Copyright © 2014 InsideTexas.com


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Texas quarterback David Ash is sacked...again (Will Gallagher/Inside Texas)

Do you or a loved one cheer for a terrible football team? Perhaps a football team that was not supposed to be so terrible, but is? Then make use of this helpful guide for dealing with loss. Specifically football losses. Specifically embarrassing football losses at the Cotton Bowl to Oklahoma.

The first half of the 2012 season featured plenty of denial, but ever since the Longhorns' collapse in Dallas, UT fans have displayed all of the remaining four stages of grief: anger (I'm done...it's time for Mack to go), bargaining (What record will it take for you to give Mack one more year?), depression (Read this and weep) and even a bit of acceptance (Can we move on – more football to play). But before your depression spirals back into anger and into depression again, here are ten helpful tips.

1. Think Less About Bowl Prestige and More About Bowl Destinations

Are there six teams in the Big 12 better than Texas? Yes? Well, you're in luck, my friend. The No. 7 team in the conference goes to the New Era Pinstripe Bowl. A terrible Texas football team is your excuse to vacation in New York City. If the Longhorns only win two more games – and with Kansas still on the schedule one's already in the bag – then Yankee stadium is their likely destination.

And sure, being the No. 4 Big 12 team is better than being the No. 5, but maybe San Diego makes for a better trip than Tempe. Just sayin'.

2. Focus on the Future

This is a young team. Yes, UT has been saying that for two years now, but it's true. David Ash is only a sophomore. Assuming his left hand doesn't fall off, his performance down the stretch will be an important indicator of the Longhorns' chances next season.

Luke Poehlmann is the only senior offensive lineman. Jeremy Hills is the only senior running back. Alex Okafor is the only senior defensive lineman. Kenny Vaccaro is the only senior defensive back and, for what it's worth, there are no senior linebackers.

3. Everyone in the country is terrible. Seriously. Everyone.*

If you're going to be terrible at football, what a year to be terrible.

CBS is currently projecting USC to make it to the national championship game, a USC team that gave up 29 points to Syracuse. Heck, San Jose State scored more points against Stanford than USC did.

The current No. 2 team in the BCS standings is Florida. Yes, Florida. As in “let's hope we can get this field goal so we can out-last Bowling Green” Florida. That Florida.

Wisconsin, Michigan and Michigan State are all terrible, meaning the best team in the Big Ten, Ohio State, isn't allowed to win the Big Ten.

The Big 12 is a nightmare. Kansas State is the only undefeated team and the Wildcats barely escaped Ames, Iowa. West Virginia's offense was supposedly unstoppable and it ran into a buzz-saw at Texas Tech. If there's a year to be bad, it's this one. The Longhorns may be terrible at football, but they're not getting lapped by anyone in this year's Big 12.

[*Offer does not apply to Alabama. Void where prohibited.]

4. It's Okay to Daydream

Listen, Mack's not getting fired. Not right now, anyway. The administration has his back. More importantly, the big donors have his back. For example, Red McCombs told the San Antonio Express-News “Mack Brown has earned the right to determine when and how he leaves.”

But you can still think about what Texas would be like with someone else at the reins. Eric Nahlin has done so here – Exercise in Futility: Thoughts on Possible and Impossible Coaches.

Looking at the pool of coaches Texas actually has to pick from, maybe Mack starts to look a little better. Or not. Still, doesn't hurt.

5. Other Sports Exist

I know that football is the lifeblood of this state. Most Texas high schools would cut English before they cut football. But Texas basketball is just three weeks away. If this young team can come together and...

Oh, you're angry at Rick Barnes for poor postseason play?

No matter. There's also the exciting Texas baseball team. They...

Oh, you're angry at Augie Garrido for poor postseason play?

Well, men's golf just won a national championship. So there's that. And if you want to cheer for a team that in the last 30 years hasn't finished lower than No. 7 in the nation, there's always swimming and diving. I guess.

6. What Am I Even Doing?

Focus on bowl destination? Watch another sport? What am I saying? HOW DOES ANY OF THIS HELP? How could this have even happened? Even when OU has blown out Texas it didn't look like this. And those OU teams were national championship contenders, not “let's struggle with UTEP because we can't find five offensive linemen.”

7. Arrrrrrrrgghhh

How could you not fill the gap when– How can you not stop a fullback who– If you would just try to run zone– How did the worst OU defensive line in years get– Is a first down too much to– arrrrrrrrrrggghhh

8. AERNDSFJKASEVUDFKA

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9.…

10. ...I'm Alright

Sorry. I'm fine.

It's bad, folks. Don't know what else to tell you. It's all kinds of bad.

Just...show up Saturday. Wear orange. Cheer. Hope for the best.

That's all I got.

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